“How is your wife keeping? Tell her we are asking after her.”

 

A perfectly normal question to ask the partner of someone who has recently suffered a miscarriage? Of course, it is. Maybe it’s because I was acting like everything was normal like I had dealt with it. Maybe it’s because my wife was not only suffering the emotional turmoil of it all but also all the physical effects of it as well.

 

To be clear I am not criticising this either, how can I question it when I wasn’t even checking if I was ok myself, putting my feelings aside to support my wife, my best friend, my everything. I had to act like a man, whatever that means, be strong, tough. I was doing all of this but later in my story, it shows this isn’t always the best way to handle these situations. Read below to see how the story unfolds…

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The day after we found out, I was back at work. Putting my personal issues aside to focus on my professional ambitions. Why? Not so sure, possibly trying to move on like it was all done, possibly because I was struggling to deal with what was going on or simply, I had not even recognised the situation that our imminent plans of becoming a family have been dashed.

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Back to my day at work, treated like any other day, a smile on my face and the jokes and light-hearted conversation that followed. My day had already been booked in with meetings so off I went with the look of a man that had everything under control. If you looked behind the eyes was someone just trying to hold it all together from what had happened in the previous 24 hours.

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First meeting done, back to the car, all smiles and handshakes as I left and conversations about meeting for lunch and a game of golf in the near future. Back to the car, reply to group chats with friends with some light-hearted humour not mentioning a word, then, head tilted back, deep breaths and pull myself together for a moment before I set off to my next appointment and delay dealing with my problems.

 

Phoned my wife to check on how she was coping - at least she was facing it head-on, unlike me. Repeat this process all day. The people I met that day wouldn’t know what had happened to me previously and probably never will. I am a private person in nature and try not to get too excited by highs or too crushed by lows, however, this can be a blessing and a curse because it means you never understand that you might need someone. Like me, you may always be the person that is there for other people, whom people turn to for help and support, playing this role can mean you don’t know when you need something back. You are human after all…

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So here we are a few days later, here’s me still stoating along still thinking life has worked out well for me, which it has but this is playing into my ignorance of my own feelings. I am constantly convincing myself that life is good, which overall it is but at this point in time it isn’t. A conversation with my parents ensues, initially asking about how my wife is keeping and then the conversation turns to me, “What about you, how are you feeling?” My answer “I’m fine.”  How do I know this? I don’t, I haven’t started to deal with it but because it’s the answer I feel people wanted to hear. Remember In my head I am there for people, they don’t need to be there for me.

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This was the trigger which got me in touch with how I was feeling, not right then but later. I had been so fixated on my wife’s wellbeing, one, because she is my best friend and has always been there for me and it was hurting me seeing her in so much pain and anguish, and two, because it made me put off having to look inwards to myself. However, this question stuck with me the rest of the day…

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And so, to the middle of the night when I woke needing a glass of water. Previously my wife had shown me a Father’s Day gift she had purchased from ‘her and bump’, I picked it up, read the card and I just wept, sat in the living room looking at this and everything I had been bottling up just came out. Later when my wife woke, I plucked up the courage to tell her what happened and I think she felt an element of relief, I was relieved!

 

Your vulnerability shows them you are both going through this, which can also provide comfort and support to them as well. We went from one of us (trying to) look after the other to us both looking after each other and this was the first step in us coming to terms with losing our baby. I thought playing the tough guy was what she needed, it wasn’t. Both of us knowing we needed each other brought solace to us both and united the strength to fight through this, talk about good days, talk about bad days but with the reassurance you have someone by your side giving you the support you need because they feel it too.

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The point of this story? You are grieving and with any type of grief, you need to be open, and remove the stigma of ‘manning up’ whatever that phrase is meant to be. Manning up, in my opinion, is having the strength and courage to leave yourself vulnerable, which can be daunting yes, but also the first step on coping and dealing with everything. Your friends won’t judge, your family won’t judge, they just care and want to help. You just need to let them.

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I am not perfect, far from it and my story isn’t to tell you what to do, it’s that you need to understand yourself and any help you may need. At FAB the aim is to recognise these elements; we can also be a confidential support network for yourself to assist you whilst you are being the rock of support to your loved one. You may want to speak in private with a stranger who understands your circumstances before you reach out to your own friends and family? That can be FAB.

 

The male in the relationship can be often forgotten about, as noted at the start of my story. At FAB the aim is to remove that issue, to just be there. I am hoping that by sharing my story (anonymously, which shows I still have issues wanting to retain my privacy and not expose myself) it shows that men need support through these times of their lives too and that is great.

 

Whether it’s a chat about life, sport, or other areas of your life, we can be whatever you want us to be, which can lead you from those day darks to the brighter better days which lie ahead. If there is one thing I can say for certain, I am enjoying those brighter days again…