Where do I begin? 

 

As I sit here and write these notes with my first miscarriage around the corner, I couldn’t even believe I was pregnant. 

 

I will be honest - having kids was never my plan as I really didn’t think it was possible for me. After problems with contraception in the past, I stayed away from the whole idea from the age of 28. 

 

You can imagine the emotions as I took that test, but there I was peeing on a stick. Happiness was what shone right out of my eyes as the stick changed to positive. 

 

Happy and pregnant are not two words I would have put together. But I was genuinely happy and I  couldn’t believe this was happening to me.

 

After a couple of short weeks that happiness turned to tears and I suffered a miscarriage… looking back on the situation I think I was actually pregnant the month before and the miscarriage happened in January as I suffered a very horrific time of the month and I was, let’s just say, a little bit all over the place. I believe when I found out I was pregnant it was just the hormones in the body. This was later confirmed with a scan and another test which was then negative, 

 

Then came the breakup… we went our separate ways  - maybe it was too much for us. Maybe we realised we wanted different things. Who knows?  At that stage nothing at all made sense.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I knew I was pregnant again. An attack of heartburn and the crazy, vivid dreams had returned. Was I pregnant or did I just long for the baby I miscarried? Another test confirmed I was indeed pregnant again. Oh, my God, from not thinking I could be pregnant to being pregnant twice in the space of a few weeks.

 

You can imagine the stress of having to break the news to the ex. He was going to think I was a nut job. All those thoughts going through my head. But he had to know. 

 

Unfortunately, again around a week later I took a heavy bleed which was way more than the last time. I was crying, in tears and didn’t know what was happening. Was I even pregnant again or was it all in my head? Was it the first pregnancy coming away? Who knew… so I went to A&E -  I think they thought I was bonkers too… but I had nowhere to turn to as I didn’t know what was happening inside my body. 

 

The doctor did a test and asked me why I was so upset. Thinking back to his comment I feel that’s possibly why I didn’t show emotion at the time as his words made me feel I had no right to have those feelings.

 

 

He said my test was negative and sent me home. By this stage, I was a mess.

My head was all over the place and I had no idea what was going on. I did another test when I got home which to my delight was positive. I have taken so many tests I ought to have shares in Clear Blue.

 

After a couple of days, the bleeding was getting worse so I managed to finally get someone at the early pregnancy unit who said I should come in a few days later. They did a scan which didn’t show anything and again I felt like they thought I was crazy. But thank the lord the test came back positive this time. I hadn’t cracked and  I wasn’t imagining it, it was actually happening. 

 

They took a blood test and later called with the results to say the hormone level was low and I should return In a few days. 

 

This was a process that went on for a couple of weeks as the hormone level increased each time. But the hospital prepared me that it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy.

 

I always think back to that doctor sending me home and asking why I was upset. If I could see him now, I would tell him he had been negligent as he should have carried out a blood test. Ectopic pregnancy can kill a woman. 

 

Five weeks on we finally saw a shadow in my tube so that confirmed an ectopic pregnancy.

 

I was asked to come into the hospital for an injection to abort the baby. I chose not to do it that day as it was the baby’s dad’s birthday and no matter what happened between us, I didn’t want him to have that memory.

I said I would go on Saturday. 

 

However, that night my sister had to come and take me to A&E I was kept in hospital and was told I would have surgery to remove my tube. 

 

One minute I didn’t want kids. then I felt so hurt and felt like such a failure. Why was this happening to my body? I felt like something was being snatched out of my hands again. 

 

I had surgery on Saturday and was home by Sunday. I left the hospital being waved away, everyone was so blasé and I don’t know what I felt. I had just had major surgery with no explanation as to what happened next. Could I still have kids? Who knows?

 

I came home and pretty much got on with it as I felt wrong for being upset. I even made sure I attended a course for a  new machine that had arrived on Monday. I could barely stand but got through it ok.

 

Time just seemed to pass so slowly. I would work every day putting on that brave face like I always do. Smiling and acting like I was ok. 

 

I wasn’t ok and if I am honest the clients knew I wasn’t. Looking back the whole year was a bit of a blur. 

 

Fast forward to September and I was struggling. The due date was coming up the next month and it was all hitting me. I kept having these crazy dreams that I was pregnant I would feel kicking in my tummy, wake up in the night and do pregnancy tests. 

 

I was going stir crazy. I would be crying and barely sleeping for the dreams I was having. I just felt so low I don’t think I have ever been so low. I didn’t want to be here anymore as nothing was getting better. I was going through all of this on my own and just felt like I had no one to talk to. People stopped asking about it so I didn’t want to bring it up. But I hadn’t been in a good place. I wanted to end it.

 

I sat and started taking pills, crying into a bottle of tequila. Tanning shots of tequila and taking pills. I felt numb as if it was the right thing to do as I couldn’t control the thoughts in my head and they were driving me out of my mind. . 

I must have passed out and fortunately for me, I woke up. I felt relief.  What was I doing? What was I thinking?

 

No one knows this part of the story because I didn’t want to share it. At the time some friends were upset or annoyed at me for not interacting with them or failing to engage in things. 

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I didn’t want my overdose attempt to be an excuse, At the time I was very unwell. I didn’t want people to think it was a cry for help, it was real life and, at that moment, I couldn’t control how I felt… people didn’t realise I was struggling because I kept it all to myself. Because I am the strong one the one that helps with everyone else’s problems. 

 

After I woke, I realised this was not ok. I was not ok and I needed to speak to the doctor.

 

I told them how I felt and was prescribed antidepressants. Looking back that’s not what I needed. I just needed a cuddle and to be told everything was going to be ok. 

During that whole time, I don’t think that ever happened. 

 

I was on the antidepressants for a couple of weeks and realised that’s not what I needed,

I realised I needed to love myself again, it’s been something that over the years I haven’t done… 

 

So, I threw myself back into work, back into the business, back into the charity set-up. This charity is urgently required as I could have been doing with someone to call at my time of need…

 

I also started taking time to meditate, exercise, eat better and go to my wellness retreats which worked amazingly for me as I was pouring energy into myself for once.  

On the nights I couldn’t sleep I would take a sleeping tablet, but I didn’t want that to become a habit.

 

Eventually, I started feeling good again, I was coming back, I really was. I had the fire back in my tummy again. 

 

As we film the video, we will be almost one year from the second failed pregnancy. I won’t say I am mentally 100%, I still have wild dreams about being pregnant but at least now I know I am not. No more doing tests in the middle of the night. 

 

 I know I am on the right path and I will continue to work to set this charity up and help others who have the kind of experiences I have had. No one should have to go through issues surrounding pregnancy and birth without having someone to talk to so

 

Let’s talk FAB!